Moridin's Mystery Mindtrap Theater 3K by Julia D
(Cyndane and Moghedien re-enter the theater, looking disgruntled)
MOGHEDIEN: I can’t believe it! He said we’d have at least a month before we’d have to do this again…
CYNDANE: And you expected him to keep his word?
MOGHEDIEN: Well…
CYNDANE (rolling her eyes): And to think I used to wonder how you managed to get captured so many times.
(Moghedien lunges for Cyndane, but, with perfect timing, the lights in the theater go off, leaving the room in pitch blackness. Disappointed, Moghedien sinks into her seat, as the curtains part and reveal the next chapter.
Chapter
2
The hot water seared
CYNDANE: Her flesh right off…
the stench from her skin,
MOGHEDIEN: Hmmm…if you can SEAR the stench from your skin, maybe I should try setting fire to my armpits instead of using deodorant…
banished the soreness from her muscles,
CYNDANE (as hot water): Get out, soreness! You are banished! Good riddance!
and quieted her mind.
CYNDANE: Shut up, mind! You know I hate it when you talk so much, and then I actually start THINKING… (shudder)…oh, horror!
She reached up and untwisted her hair, letting it spill out into the water.
MOGHEDIEN (as Rhiannon, looking at hair spilling from her head into the water): Uh oh…I should have paid attention to the label on the shampoo bottle that said: CAUTION: MAY CAUSE SEVERE HAIR LOSS.
A dead-eyed serving girl
CYNDANE: “Dead-eyed”, obviously, is a euphemism for “stoned”.
MOGHEDIEN (singing): “Puff the magic dragon…lived by the sea…”
sat on a stool beside her, staring at the wall.
CYNDANE: Only she was really staring at the images INSIDE her head.
MOGHEDIEN
(as stoned serving girl): Ooh…colors…stars…pretty!
She had just finished rinsing her hair when she heard
MOGHEDIEN: Chanting that sounded suspiciously like, “Eight, six, four two; let’s get rid of Mary Sue!”
the door open again.
CYNDANE: Oh, Great Lord, who is it this time?
MOGHEDIEN:
Relax; it’s probably a piz’ia delivery.
She
cursed vehemently
(Both gasp)
MOGHEDIEN: You are getting your mouth washed out with soap, young lady!
in a language unknown outside the black mountain
CYNDANE: So…pig Latin?
MOGHEDIEN: Esperanto?
and
stood up, water dripping off her naked body.
She grabbed hold
of the Source,
MOGHEDIEN (confused): I thought you grabbed hold of SAIDIN. You’re supposed to embrace saidar.
CYNDANE: Oh, mother’s milk in a cup; I’m betting this is a Mary Sue that somehow can channel saidin.
MOGHEDIEN: Speak for yourself; I knew she was a man from the very beginning… (starts laughing)…would I love to see Rahvin’s face when he finds out…
felt the heat rush to her head,
MOGHEDIEN: And passed out.
CYNDANE: Her head had burst into flames.
snatched the oil lamp on the table
CYNDANE (as Rhiannon, dropping lamp): Eek! Too hot, too hot!
and sent it hurling into the next room.
MOGHEDIEN (as chanting mob): FIRE!!!
CYNDANE (as mob): Run away, run away!
MOGHEDIEN: Seriously, who needs the One Power when you’ve got oil lamps?
The intruder caught it deftly,
MOGHEDIEN: Oh, brilliant, just “the intruder”. No mention of who he or she is.
in mid air with a well placed
CYNDANE: Beis’ball glove.
curl of saidin
MOGHEDIEN: Amazing…saidar is silky, and saidin is curly!
CYNDANE: You learn something new every day.
and
replaced it as he walked into the room.
“If I knew you
were going to be naked, I would have
CYNDANE: Worn a blindfold so that I wouldn’t have to see your hideous, fat thighs and stomach and arse.”
come by sooner,” he said brightly.
MOGHEDIEN: Wait a second…so is he saying that if he’d come by sooner she would have been fully clothed, or he would have gotten to see her naked for a longer time?
CYNDANE
(incredulously): I can’t understand a word you just said,
Moghedien.
“You may not have been too pleased with
what you walked in on earlier.
CYNDANE: The dead Myrddraal she was humping?
MOGHEDIEN: Robot-Sammael?
Or whom,” she snapped,
MOGHEDIEN (as Rhiannon, lying bent double): Yoweee! I’ve snapped!
CYNDANE (rolling her eyes): Wrong meaning, milksop.
picking
up a towel.
“I did pass Rahvin, thankfully
MOGHEDIEN: He FINALLY paid those five hundred dol’ares he owed me…”
on his way back to
CYNDANE: School.”
MOGHEDIEN: The future.”
whatever rock he crawled out from under.
CYNDANE (as Rhiannon): You actually saw him get caught in the rockslide too?!
MOGHEDIEN: What I’m wondering is why he would want to go back under the rocks.
I don’t know why you put up with that insufferable asshole.”
BOTH: Huh? What? Um…
MORIDIN’S VOICE: It’s First Age jargon; “asshole” is simply another word for “bastard.”
CYNDANE: Oh, all right. I thought…
MORIDIN’S
VOICE: I know what you thought. Shut up and read.
“He’s
good in bed.”
“Of course he is,” he said
flatly,
MOGHEDIEN (as unidentified male speaker): Not that I know this from personal experience or anything…really, I don’t…oh, blood and bloody ashes.
“It’s his only marketable skill.”
MOGHEDIEN (as unidentified male speaker): No, really, I DON’T know this from personal experience…I swear I don’t! Do you hear me? Stop laughing!
CYNDANE (sobering up): Oh, sorry.
MOGHEDIEN
(exasperated): Not you, you dumbarse!
“Since you’re
obviously not leaving, would you mind
CYNDANE: Sweeping the floor? And then cooking my dinner, dusting my furniture, and cleaning the toilet?”
handing me my robe?” she asked, stepping out of the tub
CYNDANE:
Slipping on the wet floor, and breaking her neck.
He
plucked it off the back of the chair
MOGHEDIEN (as the chair): Yeeeek…I’m naked now!
and draped it
CYNDANE: Over her head, smothering her to death.
across
her shoulders.
“Of course, you don’t have much to
compare him to...”
MOGHEDIEN:
Well, really; Rahvin’s the only one who’s willing
to touch her ugly body.
“And of course, you would
like the chance to prove that you can do a far better job.”
CYNDANE: Well, aren’t we egotistical? Bloody twitchskirt.
MOGHEDIEN:
Really, child, just because Rahvin is desperate enough to have sex
with you doesn’t mean Master Unidentified Male Stranger is…why
isn’t the author telling us who he is?!
“That’s
not what I was...”
MOGHEDIEN
(as Master Unidentified Male Stranger): …I mean, I was going
to say…well, let’s just say I wasn’t going to say
you’re stupid and ugly and stuck-up…and that you’re
annoying…and that I hate being stuck in this fic with
you…
“Stop. Just stop while you’re
ahead.”
CYNDANE
(sigh): Oh, if only somebody had said that exact phrase to the author
when she started writing this.
He paused, took a breath as
if to speak further, then,
MOGHEDIEN: Balefired the chit to Kingdom Come! Haha!
“You looked great out there today.”
CYNDANE (as twelve-year-old Master Unidentified Male Stranger): Oh, gee…you looked great out there today…(blush)…I’ve been watching you all the time I sit next to you in science class…so…I was wondering…(giggle)…wannagodancewime?...I mean…oh, golly…wanna…wanna go to the d-dance…with…me?...(squeak)
(Moghedien
is in shock)
“Thanks,” she dismissed the
serving girl
MOGHEDIEN: Wait…she said “thanks” to dismiss the serving girl? I’m REALLY confused now.
with a gesture
CYNDANE: That involved raising her middle finger.
and stepped past him into the sitting room.
MOGHEDIEN: Oh, so now the serving girl is a he?
CYNDANE: Why is everybody in this story sexually ambiguous?!
“You have a few minutes to sit with me?”
CYNDANE (as Master Unidentified Male Stranger): Just SIT with you and stare into space? Good Lord, no. You badly need a new hobby.
MOGHEDIEN
(as Rhiannon, indignantly): I’m NOT just staring into space;
I’m watching paint dry!
“Do you want me to
stay?”
MOGHEDIEN
(as Rhiannon): No, I was just testing you to see if you’d
answer my question! (in exasperation): WHY does everybody in Shayol
Ghul ask such stupid questions?!
“I wouldn’t
have asked...” she started, harshly.
CYNDANE:
Yeesh…you’re good, Moghedien.
MOGHEDIEN: Yeah, well,
that one college professor did say I might have the
Foretelling.
“Don’t start with the attitude,
Rhee,
(Both Chosen snort with laughter)
CYNDANE: Oh, horrible, cheesy nicknames! That makes my day!
MOGHEDIEN: Every cloud has a silver lining!
because I don’t have to listen to it.” He started for the door
CYNDANE: But then a trapdoor opened up under his feet and he fell into a bottomless pit.
.
“Wait,
I... I’m sorry. It’s just...”
MOGHEDIEN:
“My…my…st-t-tutter. Now, I f-f-f-forgot wh-what
I was g-g-going to s-say…”
He turned back
around and
MOGHEDIEN: Balefired her! Hahahaha!
CYNDANE: You said that already.
MOGHEDIEN: I know that.
seated himself
CYNDANE: Why didn’t she just write “sat”?
smoothly on the couch.
MOGHEDIEN (as Rhiannon): Why, thank you for sitting smoothly on my couch! Rahvin always sits roughly on the couch and I have to get it re-upholstered every week; that’s inconvenient.
She picked a comb up from the table and
CYNDANE: Stabbed the tines into her arm, drawing blood.
sat on the floor beside the couch, legs crossed in front of her,
CYNDANE: As opposed to crossing them behind her.
MOGHEDIEN: Or next to her.
and started tugging at her hair.
MOGHEDIEN (gasp): It’s Nynaeve al’Maera in disguise!
CYNDANE (gasp): Pretty soon she’s going to start sniffing and whining about Lan Mandragoran!
He regarded her for a while in silence.
MOGHEDIEN
(as Master Unidentified Male Stranger, thinking): Great Lord, she’s
ugly, and stupid, and annoying…why did I come in to see her,
anyway? Oh, that’s right…to make fun of her.
She
finished messing with her hair
CYNDANE (as hair, gasp): No…no more sex, Rhiannon. I’m too tired.
and tossed
MOGHEDIEN: Her cookies?
the comb back onto the table, then scooted closer to him.
CYNDANE (as Master Unidentified Male Stranger): Yuck…cooties!
“Sing something.”
BOTH:
What the Pit of Doom?!
His pride still ruffled from
earlier,
MOGHEDIEN: Ugh, ruffled pride is SO out of fashion. Most people wear straight, clean-cut pride, without any frills.
he replied, “Giving me orders now?”
CYNDANE (as Rhiannon): I’m a Mary Sue! I have the right to give orders any damned time I want to!
MOGHEDIEN (as Rhiannon): And you are expected to obey me!
and pushed her away from him, roughly
CYNDANE:
With the result that she fell backwards on the hard stone floor and
cracked her head open. The end.
She looked up at him
with wide eyes,
MOGHEDIEN (as Rhiannon): You…cracked my head open! Just because I was acting like a Mary Sue is supposed to act! You…you…I thought you were my friend!
CYNDANE (as Master Unidentified Male Stranger): Ha! You thought wrong!
the pain glistening in them was a rare sight.
CYNDANE (as Master Unidentified Male Stranger): Ooh…it glistens…it sparkles…twinkly twinkly!
MOGHEDIEN: Ouch; her contact lenses must be bothering her.
“Please. I’m sorry. Please.”
MOGHEDIEN: Please…
CYNDANE: Pretty please…
MOGHEDIEN: Pretty please with sugar, whipped cream, and a cherry on top…
CYNDANE: Pretty please with cho’co’lat syrup…
MOGHEDIEN:
Argh! Enough already!
His expression softened, just a
bit.
CYNDANE (as expression): “I’m melting…I’m MEEEELLLTINGGG!!!”
She laid her still damp head in his lap.
MOGHEDIEN (as Master Unidentified Male Stranger, jumping up): Get your wet hair off me! You’re going to make it look like I pissed my pants!
He reached down to run his fingers through her hair.
BOTH: Vomit, choke, gag, retch…
“What
would you like me to sing for you?”
CYNDANE: “The Song that Never Ends.”
MOGHEDIEN: “It Sucks to be Me.”
CYNDANE: “Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall.”
MOGHEDIEN:
“I am the Walrus.”
“A love song.”
BOTH:
Retch, gag, choke, vomit…
“I’m afraid
all the ones I know end unhappily.”
CYNDANE:
Pray to the Great Lord that THIS one ends unhappily too…preferably
with Rhiannon’s very slow, very painful death.
“Don’t
they all?” she murmured softly.
MOGHEDIEN (gasp): Could this be…foreshadowing?!
CYNDANE:
It might be! Great Lord, this girl is using so many good literary
techniques; she must be a good writer!
He sang for
her then,
MOGHEDIEN: And the sound of his voice was so horrific that it caused another rockslide, burying Rhiannon forever.
as he had so many nights before this one.
CYNDANE: Uh…er…forget it; I’m not even going to comment on that one.
MOGHEDIEN: Ah, the power of cheese.
She closed her eyes and
CYNDANE: Made a wish…and counted to three…
MOGHEDIEN (singing): “Come with me, and you’ll be in a world of pure imagination…”
let herself be carried by the song,
MOGHEDIEN (as song): Hahaha, I carry you! I KIDNAP YOU AND THROW YOU INTO A RIVER TO DROWN!!!
far away beyond the Mountain,
CYNDANE (as Rhiannon, in pathetic fairy-tale princess voice): Oh, WHERE are you taking me? Help, help, help!!!
across the Blight,
MOGHEDIEN (singing): “Over the mountain and through the Blight, to drown you in a river we go…”
CYNDANE: Why do you keep singing all these songs I’ve never heard of?
MOGHEDIEN: I’ve been listening to Moridin’s music in my spare time.
to the Shining World
CYNDANE: Visit Shining World for your next vacation: the most popular amusement park in the Westlands! Don’t miss the new Aiel Encounter simulator ride, the Runaway Sho-Wing roller coaster, and all your favorite characters at Bela’s Toontown Happyland!
beyond the darkness.
CYNDANE (sigh): There is light…
MOGHEDIEN (sigh): And hope…
CYNDANE (dramatically): And no cheesy fanfiction…
MOGHEDIEN (dramatically): And no ratty, abandoned theaters…
MORIDIN’S VOICE: Oh, buck up, both of you! The chapter’s over, anyway.
(The Chosen look around in surprise and realize that, indeed, the curtains have closed and the lights have gone on)
BOTH: Oh. Um…heh-heh…
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As his two mindtrapped slaves made their way out of the theater, trying to regain some of their former dignity, Moridin chuckled to himself. He wasn’t too sure yet, but he had the feeling that this First Age method of torture was going to work quite nicely.